As this horrendous year draws to a close, and I wonder how much more misery is coming our way in 2021, it seems appropriate to write today on a subject that many of us have had to confront, up close and personal, in the last nine months. It is that of being alone. Today, I’ve decided to review a book I first read back in 2002 but one which left a real mark on me, and whose subject matter seems just as pertinent in these troubled times as it did back then.
‘Solitude - a Return to the Self’ is penned by the eminent Dr. Anthony Storr (the late psychiatrist, psychotherapist and scholar at Oxford University) and - in essence - is an examination of the positive aspects of living in solitude and how ‘being alone’ (as opposed to ‘being lonely’) can be a comfortable way to live, boosting creativity and meeting many of the same (deep-seated) desires that those who choose to marry and have children feel.
Storr uses many excellent examples of creative persons throughout the ages - Isaac Newton, Henry James, Beethoven, Beatrix Potter to name but a few - to argue that a well-balanced life does not necessarily have to revolve around significant relationships (essentially, romantic partnership and offspring). The fact is - as he writes and as we all know - that society places enormous emphasis on social relationships and the general assumption is that the more social we are, the more well-adjusted we are.
But is this truly the case? Why does a balanced life necessarily have to resolve around a significant other, children and deep friendships? Can other pursuits not meet our desires - religion, art, literature, philosophy, music, and even simple hobbies such as fishing, gardening and sketching? Why can we not define a well-adjusted person as one able to be comfortable in their own skin, able to be left to their own devices, able enjoy their own company? People who choose solitude are often very self-reliant, extremely capable and far more able to entertain themselves when left alone, than most of us. In this sense, solitude doesn’t simply lend itself to more creativeness, it can actually improve our mental health.
Anthony Storr is more of a Jungian than a Freudian (disclosure: this is not a self-help book, it is rather more academic) and he veers away from Freud’s view that heterosexuality and procreation are the end-results of a well-adjusted personality. But Freud lived in another time. We are creatures in a far more modern world, where humans (especially women) have far more choices - whether or not to marry, bear children and make deeply personal decisions about our lives. Living in the modern age is a paradox, I think - on the one hand, social media and global connectivity has made it very difficult to ‘switch off’ and find peace in simple pursuits and our own thoughts. On the other, individual liberty (the right to do what one wants, when one wants) has never been more prized.
On a personal note, this book inspired me, almost 20 years ago, as a woman who had no desire to marry and was veering away from motherhood, to embrace her choices and try not to be ashamed of them. Reading this book again has been just as inspiring. I love people and can be incredibly gregarious, but I also value my time alone dearly. Periods of solitude (whether at home or in my world travels) have given me the chance to read, write, consider, evaluate and learn more not just about others but myself.
Storr also discusses not just the benefits of solitude (being able to create, meditate, innovate) but also the harder (and darker) aspects - depression, grief and mental illness. Being alone at times like this can be incredibly hard.
But that does not detract from his fundamental view that an individual who chooses solitude is not deficient in some way.
Yes, for sure, many (most?) of us crave deep-rooted and intimate connections. But not one size fits all - and even the most outgoing of us sometimes yearn to be left alone. Why can’t this need be embraced - why aren’t our inner worlds valued as they should be?
In a year when Corona has forced many of us into solitude, this book is a worthy read. Not only will it force you to re-examine your ideas about how ‘connected’ we all need to be, it will also give you hope if you are one of these types that (like me) has secretly enjoyed aspects of lockdown (namely, the free pass given to everyone worn down by constant interaction with others).
Highly recommended.